Oct 22, 2012


singles ward quote of the day:

"Come to ward prayer! THATS WHERE I MET MY BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!"
*shiver runs up my spine*

Oct 21, 2012


so obviously i took a month or two off from blogging. i can't really decide if it was intentional or not.
so whatever.

but i was right about one thing.... i do NOT deal well with change. if i'm just gonna cut to the chase, my personal experience with the first few weeks of college was hellish.

i had legitimate panic attacks on the regular. (anxiety is REAL)
i developed sores in my mouth.
i couldn't sleep.
headahces were my best friend.
i didn't even EAT.
i had 1 friend.
i got OCD up the ying yang.
i would've cried myself to sleep every single night if it weren't for netflix and my foreign roommate. (i didn't want to make her uncomfortable. ya know, living with some crazy american who didn't speak her language and was emotionally unstable. bless her heart, because i would've cried myself right into dehydration and DEATH.)

no, but all exageration and self pitty aside, it was the hardest thing i've ever done; to move away from all things familiar. my friends and especially my family. i never knew how much i really do like those guys. BUT, don't worry, there is a but. but as of late, i've gradually been settling into my new life over here. i have like 5 friends now..... hahaha. kind of kidding, kind of not. i got a grip on reality and realized that a healthy lifestyle doesn't just make you physically healthy, but healthy in the noggin too. sometimes i eat salads and i go to zumba twice a week. like ummmm WHAT? yes. we're talking about michelle here. its kind of kept the freshmen 15 at bay, so it's only like a freshmen 3 as of right now. we'll see how that goes when finals creep up on me though.

also, the U is a unique place.

my drug and behavior professor wears gym shorts, socks and sandals every day to class. his last name is cooperdider. it's fine.

i'm 95% sure that i'll die prematurely from 2nd hand smoke inhalation.

asians are really nice.

my long lost cousin works at the cafeteria and almost tried to hit on me. awkward party of ME.

pac 12-shmac 12. our football team is pretty bad. i'm guessing. i actually don't really know, so disregard that.

one of my roommates is really drunk and scream-crying in the bathroom as i type this. i don't really know what to do besides this

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sorry this post is so weird, it's 4:30 in the morn and i can't sleep. so here are some funnies:

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Aug 24, 2012

lyrical health

i'm obsessed with this song. thank you, one tree hill.
i'd also be even more obsessed if a certain boy sang it to me.

Aug 21, 2012


my first day of college.
i am not going to lie and say i'm having the greatest time of my entire life and i'm so glad that i'm here alone. because truthfully, those are not my emotions at the moment. i'm trying this thing where i am completely honest on here. so there ya go.

but also i think i might survive this. probably. life is about balance and about adapting to things that are thrown at you. and the only way to grow, is to change.

my roommate barely speaks any english. she is straight from china and it's her first time in america. and i'm like WHAT? i can barely move 20 minutes away from my home without sobbing like a baby for hours on end.
it makes me feel like maybe my thoughts have been a little selfish lately.

a few facts:

i'm 95 percent sure that the vitamin water the university sent me in my welcome bag is the only thing that has kept me living.

maybe they should invest in university of utah segways to lug around the shamelessly out of shape freshmen like *cough* myself  *cough*

i will never understand people who wear top hats in public.  :/


but sometime, somehow, i'll grow into this.


Aug 14, 2012


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and all of the sudden, in a little more than 24 hours, i leave my house for good.
this place has been so good to me. i feel like sometimes on blogger i make my life seem like a struggle, but truthfully, i have been so blessed.

i dont want to leave my home.
i especially dont want to leave my room. this place has been my safe harbor on stormy days.
i literally grew up within these walls and it's been 10 years of heartache and triumph that have made me who i am. and it all started here.

now as i bawl my eyes out as my mother helps me pack up my room, i've realized that i shouldn't have been so eager to leave this place.

Aug 10, 2012


in the last 48 hours Amazon has graced me with these:

someone stop me.

Aug 9, 2012


so my roomates name is Yiwen. that's all i'm allowed to know about her.

i dont even know what to think about that.

well i move into my dorm in a week so it's like i'm practically starting college in a week. i am so nervy and scared but also so excited and happy all at once. i will be moving to a huge city where i litteraly know no one who lives remotely close to me. except my sister who is a good 15 minutes away. holler at me for being brave enough to actually go through with this, right? right. no one will know me, and that's kind of a thrill.

and lastly, my laptop will be coming in the mail shortly so you'll most likely be hearing and seeing a lot more from me and my everyday life in the next few months. because blogger will be my only friend.

Jul 27, 2012


i've realized a pattern in my personal journal writing.
i insert a lot of haha's. maybe even a few hahaha's.

but it's not to make the things i write any less awkward or try to make what i'm saying any easier for me to say it, which is the socially acceptable reason for the addition. i honestly do it because i know for a fact when i read my journals 10 or 15 years down the line, my life will seem pretty ridiculous. and the huge problems that i vent about will seem so petty. either that or i really do say something witty that i KNOW i'll still laugh at in 15 years. it's like i'm having a conversation with my future self. i think we'll be pretty good friends.

my life will be completely different in 15 years.
and currently; i am not who i will be.

Jul 23, 2012

rule of thumb

as of late, i've realized that i've learned a lot these past few years of my life.
it's cliche, but it's true:

highschool changes you.

1. You should never give someone the power to control your life. It's about making the best choices for YOU. And not because you're fearful about how they might react to it.

2. Jealousy is pointless. It's not about anyone but the insecurities you have with yourself. "Sometimes you're ahead, and sometimes you're behind. The road is long and hard, and in the end, it's only with yourself."

3. It is always better to be kind.

4. I want to get married. Don't worry, not YET. I've realized that i want to be married to someone who wants to marry the best version of me. And i'm not the best version of me yet. Isn't college an excellent place to figure out just exactly who and what i'm supposed to be, right? Right.

5. And lastly, heavenly father doesn't give you everything you want. Just because i've pictured how i want my life to be in my head, doesn't mean that's how it's gonna be. It took me a long time to realize that that is still ok. It doesn't mean he loves you anyless. It means he has something different instore for you. Something that can make you just as equally happy, or even more. I think that's definitely something i needed to learn this year for whatever reason. And i did.

Jul 12, 2012


it's official. i have a place to live this year. its a MIRCALE considering i signed up exactly one month ago.
i hope veronica and victoria are nice. :/ :/ :/
that can't really be their names, right?

knock on wood

i may need to knock on wood shortly.....BUT i just have to spill this.
i think i may finally, officially, 100%, know where i will be spending the next year of my life.

and if everything turns out as planned, i miiiight actually know where i'll be living.
:) :) :) :) :)
a weight has been lifted.
and it is because of prayer.

Jun 25, 2012


lately has been hard. for reasons that i can't even make sense of.
the whole idea of college has been somewhat of a fantasy in my brain ever since i can remember.

i remember thinking at the begining of senior year of all the things that it would bring. independence. experience. trials. a fresh start. freedom. maybe a little love...mainly happiness though. and maybe it will bring all of those things.

but now that college is slowly rising on my horizon, my hands are shaking.  because i am propelling myself into a total different environment. away from anyone or anything that is familiar.

certain people in my life have always been a huge blessing, but also a curse. the thought of starting fresh always thrilled me on the nights that seemed to last forever. but now it's my reality, and i'm rarely gonna see those people anymore.

familiarity and friends are my home, and i'm soon gonna be homeless, lost, and confused.

when i prayed about my decision to do this, it felt right. but that was so long ago. and now i'm wondering if maybe my revelation expiration date has expired.

and the very people who made me so excited about this and gave me new hope in my heart are leaving for two years...one of them in particular. plus things have shifted a little bit since then, whether i like that or not.

and for the first time in a while, i feel completely alone tonight.

Jun 15, 2012

just beauty.

these two video's are pure beauty. for two totally different reasons.

^   6:46-9:43 made me cry   ^

Jun 4, 2012

just kidding

home boy ryan has got-to-go.

"i just feel like i'm a really good catch. athletic, good looking, you know."

that's a direct quote.
if he makes it to the final 5 i'm writing emily a letter.

May 30, 2012

it's time

i graduate in less than 72 hours.
holy COW.

i don't feel like that's ok since sometimes i still make my mom come say goodnight to me in my bed.
i'm mentally 5.

i actually love my senior pictures. i wasn't anticipating that. because a full photoshoot of just myself? the thought just made me feel wierd and not awesome. :/ but they turned out lovely!  i was having a good hair day. and i had an awesome photographer.
(thanks to my awesome sister jackie at thejumpsite.com)

awesome awesome awesome. sorry for my abuse of that word right now.

the fact that i'm blogging at 1:09 on a school night pretty much sums up the flavor of 2nd semester of senior year.
slacker. senioritis. zombie. sweatpants. nap time. procrast.

good thing in 7 hours, i will never ever ever ever ever ever be compromising my sleep if i stay up until one A.M. because it's just inevitable.

bring on the change.

May 22, 2012

the rundown

the bachelorette 2012

i cannot explain my addiction to this series. both the bachelor and the bacherlorette. yes, i know most of the time it's scripted. yes, i know it's a bit cheesy/smutty/ridiculous. but i love it. and i can't deny it. and nothing my sisters say will change my mind about it. :)

let the games begin chris harrison. 

in pure spirit of the new season starting for summer, these are my top 4 picks (glamour shots included):

charlie. he's adorbs. kind of looks like a tool, but once upon a time he fell off of a 20 foot balcony and had half of his face reconstructed. can you tell? i didn't think so. and he's nice and is really really insecure about speaking in front of large groups. humble? WIN.

arie. coincidentally, a race car driver. emily's deceased fiance was a race car driver. shocking ABC, shocking. but, he's a sweetie and has that face, sooooo. WIN.

jeff. from salt lake city. :/ ok ok ok, i know he had a wierd introduction and flew in on a skateboard and then threw it in the bushes. but everyone gets nervous. there is something about him though that just gets me. i know he looks 5, but he's so smooooooth and emily seems to agree with me. WIN.

ryan. ryan is my pick to take it all. maybe it's just because he had the first date and emily loooooved him, but either way, he seems lovely. besides his looks, he's a gentleman. and seems super nice. and is southern just like her. match made in heaven? i think so. WIN. 

...instead of being social on tuesday nights, i make internet predictions about fictional reality tv shows.
someone find me a cute boy :/

May 10, 2012


i graduate high school in 20 days.

and am about to have big changes surrounding me. and i've never been more excited/nervous/anxious/scared/happy.

also, i think philip phillips has the most beautiful voice.
and just like j-lo says, he looks pretty when he sings. so therefore; i love him.

have a listen:

(there's a better version on youtube, but it wouldn't let me upload it. go look it up.)

May 9, 2012

call me maybe?

this song is awful: FACT

but some male soul recited the words to me and then gave me his number today while i was at work. hahaha. through the huge gate that i had closed 10 minutes before.
 i'm not kitten you right meow.

after 8 hours of school, 4 hours of homework, and 3 hours of working, it made my day just a little bit funny. you're the bomb, but i'm not calling you. even murderers look normal sometimes.

but thanks carly rae.

a slap in the face

...is honestly what i need right now.

i've slowly let the qualitiy of my life dwindle to new lows these past few months. and i'm honestly kind of ashamed of myself. I've all but given up on the things that i truly want to be and accomplish. i can't help but remember the high hopes i had for this year in early september; and not just the specific things that i wanted to happen, but the growth that i wanted to reach for myself. in all areas. and although i checked off a few of them, there is not nearly as many as i thought there would be. and that's all on me. there are no excuses. i guess getting your heartbroken, and i mean on the floor, shattered broken, a time or two in a short period of time can really do a number on ya. i feel that i especially let it affect every aspect of my life, and it drains out all of my hopes. it's something that i need to work on, i know. but i'm also not ashamed that i'm capable of feeling things that deep. something i picked up from the book i read over the weekend, Tuesdays With Morrie. go read it. i'd much rather have a perfectly soft heart than a perfectly hard one anyday. emotion is a beautiful thing.

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back to my point, i'm sucking at life in all areas.

i dont go to sleep until the upwards of 1:30 a.m. my room is messier than it has EVER been. i dont attend my classes half the time...(17 absences in english. :/ ) and when i do, i roll out of bed at 7:30 and make it there by 7:50.  i haven't truly done my hair and/ or put on make up for school in litterally 45 days. i've counted. my mutual attendance is at a whopping 0 for the last 3 months. partly because of my new job, partly because i just am too 'busy'.  in all honest,y i can't remember the last time i read an entire chapter of the book of mormon. this coming from the girl who would attend the temple once a week, every. single. week for 4 months straight. my recommend is expired.

i am crumbling.

i've saved a total of 20 dollars from being employed, because i now have to pay for anything i wanna do. which means i'm gonna have 0 moneys saved for college. i do know where i would like to attend college, but of course there's been a mix up with my transcripts and i dont think my schoool has sent them yet. and it is getting LATE. and i'm so worried i'm gonna end up staying at home for the next 8 months. i can't remember the last time i texted a boy that i liked. tragic, i know. :/ i've gained a hearty 10 pounds. my grades....my GRADES. that's another issue. i'm not being very healthy with my diabetes at all right now. not awful, but not great. and i need to be great at at least that. i hate the way that i dont care about anything anymore. because i know that i can be better. and being better leads to leading a more productive, happy life. some might think that its just a healthy case of senioritis. but do not be decieved, it's much worse.

now this isn't a pitty party for all of you who are wondering. this is a wake up call, michelle. you are not being the kind of person that you want to be. not even a 1/3 of it.

and the most awful part is that 98% of these things are in. my. control. somewhere along the way i've just given up. and i didn't even realize it. and heartbreak is definitely not an excuse. it was a hard thing to go through but i can honestly say that i'm better because of that day back in 2011. and i can honestly say that i think that there are brighter things ahead of me than anything, or anyONE that i left behind. i can feel it. but i also know that unless i do something about them, my goals will never be reached.

i'm no where near the person that i'd like to be, but i'm now going to continually strive for that again.
wish me luck, and please hold me accountable. :/

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Apr 28, 2012

maybe it's my age

....but i'd much rather be working my 5:30-9:30 shift tonight than hanging out with the people in my grade. because all night i would just watch the girls gossip about eachother while the boys wrestle.
fuuuuunnnnn right? no, it's actually not.

i'm glad my saturday night plans consist of something productive and not something so pointlesss.

hopefully this means i'm actually maturing!?
college will be good to me i think.

it's pure beauty.

Apr 25, 2012

i realize,

....that i have only posted twice this month. tisk tisk. new years resolution #4 went out the door.
but in my defense, i graduate from high school in roughly 40 days and i have senioritis up the ying yang.
therefore all i do is snack and stay up too late playing Sims on my iphone. hahaha. what. a. life.

OH and also, that lifestyle of mine? has made me gain 10 pounds in just under 30 days. TEN POUNDS.
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 (this is me last weekend. i'm now known as 'francine' to my family. the inner fat girl inside of me.) : /

18 year olds should not have to diet and exercise. :/ :/ :/ curse you love handles. CURSE YOU. so i'm now trying this new fad where you eat 1500 calories a day and exercise. i think it is the hardest thing i've ever had to endure. my life is now a constant battle between how much i hate running and and how much i love food. whenever i run all i think about is how i'm just never gonna eat again, because running is just a hop skip and a jump from hell. and whenever i'm bingeing on peanut butter and ham all i think about is how i'll just run this right off right into next year.

i just love fooooooood ok? 

i think i inherited my fathers desire to exercise everyday though (not running). it just makes me feel so much better about life. but i also think i inherited his addiction to potatoe chips, m&m's, and bacon.

and since i dont want to show up to my first day off college resembling a beluga whale, there will probably many more posts like this to come.


Apr 11, 2012


i have a date.

i have a tan (thanks san diego)

i have a dress.

and i have a wonderful mother who will sew sleeves onto it.

april 14th, i'm ready for you.

now just to figure out...

prom?     prom hair     so summery. if only i knew how to do this!

which one of these is fitting?


Apr 8, 2012


i have been home from san diego for almost 48 hours and am still in SD mode.
i absolutely LOVED it there. the excitement, the culture, the ocean, the independence, the sun, the adventure, the people.

true life: living in a place where everyone is the same is so boring to me now. i have always been a fan of diversity and culture, but now i have a LOVE for it. people are so interesting. and there are good people outside of the little bubble that i live in. really good people. just because they don't share my same faith, does not mean that they are any less worthy of leading a good life. i just love people.

i only felt scared of our taxi drivers one time! he was russian i'm guessing. with slicked back hair, a bad attitude, and a creeeeepy vibe. i was just waiting for him to make a wrong turn, drive into a dark alley, and sell all 3 of us into the sex trade. i was mentally preparing myself to become the poster child for the sequal to the movie Taken. hahaha. but really. i never knew i had such a distrust of people i didn't now. like i subconciously believed that our housekeepers would steal my t-shirts. :/ or that the suburban mother that ran into me obviously stole my wallet. haha but thankfully it was just my imagination. (i checked my purse anyway)

people are good, but you can't trust all of them.

i would give up all of my limbs to be able to relive this past week. jk. probably just one limb.
bring me back to sunglasses, hot tubbing, ferry rides, scooterdiego2012, palm trees, culture, hide and go seek tag, and that one cute boy.

i'm sentimental sometimes.


Mar 25, 2012

fancy that

i'm in a limbo where i dont know if i should be inexpressibly happy that high school is ending in 3 months, or whether i should cry my eyes out.
i hate being in limbo. because i'm not limber. i hate change and it hates me right back.

ya know what else i hate? when strangers know details about my life. it just...makes me feel wierd. and that my personal self isn't MINE anymore... i dont know. :/
you'd think i lived in an episode of one tree hill or something. gassssshhhh.

me and some of the gals crashed another high schools dance last night because we were in the mood for some good clean to par-tay-ing. funnest thing ever? YES. i seem to do my best dancing when its spur of the moment anyways. hahaha. BUT ALSO....it was the very school that bachelor #2 attends, coincidentally. i would be lying if i said i wasn't expecting such a 'warm welcome' from the majority of the student body. (ahem, ahem...sarcasm)

but just because you know more about me than i probably think, does not give you the right to stare. and glare. and whisper. and point fingers. it's just another reminder that i don't belong any where near this place anymore. and that's something that my heart doesn't need right now.

Mar 21, 2012

i should be asleep

but my thoughts keep me up tonight.

i have never before felt like i am actually growing up...until these past few weeks.
a few key things suddenly fill up my life:
my job. actually doing my homework. pinching my pennies because i now have to pay for things like food...and clothes. and gas. and everything else. (i'll be thankful one day, mom and dad : /) stressssssss. a whole lot of laundry. not caring what davis high thinks of me. the desire i have to be healthy in all areas of my life. strengthening my testimony. finding a second job possibly? getting enough hours of sleep.

now of course these things are coupled with a few typical highschool scenarios...like: finding a dress for prom, figuring out a senior trip, tears, trying my hardest not to wear sweats every single day of high school.

a mixture of the two is what i find my life being lately. halfway between adulthood, and halfway still wanting my mother to tuck me in at night. it's a wierd time for me. i'm still not sure what my future will hold in 5 months.... and that sentence alone makes me want to curl up in my parents bed and never, ever come out. be ready for some honesty here, but as much as i love my best friend, i would go absolutely mad if i went to college with her. even in the same city. everyone thinks that if i go to college completely alone, in a completely new place, that i will be miserable. why? because i love having friends, and i won't know anyone at ALL. but thats kind of the thrill that i'm chasing here... i can start out college on a new page. no shadows. no mistakes or eraser marks. no pre-concieved opinions. it would be the easiest thing in the world for me to plan to go up to utah state with them, but its just not right for me. not anymore. i found a quote that i looooooveddd the other day. "it is always better to choose the hard right over the easy wrong."

and now i see girls my age who are sending their missionaries off : / WHAT? yes. i'm that age now. it secretly makes me realize what im missing out on in having someone like that, someone who's just there. and not just because they are in love and everything sappy that comes along with that, but because they are best friends. they have eachother and they know it. and nothing else really is as important.
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the closest thing i had to that, dissolved as if it had never even happened. actually, more like he pushed it down to the depths of hell : / never to be seen again. i knew him. and he really knew me. better than most people do. and i would be lying if i said that when i saw him today it didn't make me sit there and wonder. and just think. and think. and think. and think some more.

"it's a constant battle. a war between remembering and forgetting."

and so now i'm just left to creepily stalk the girls my age via facebook and instagram who have what i kind of covet at the moment.
and also pin really sappy, sometimes depressing, quotes about love on pinterest. sue me.

also, wanna hear a cool story? so i get home from a soccer game today at about 530 right? knowing that i have to get to work at 615....i start to freak out a little bit because both my parents are gone, with both of our little cars. panic MODE. my mother refused to answer her phone. or any of my 8 text messages. and im freaking outttt. i get stressed when im about to be late for important things. haha. so i call my dad....no answer...call his work....no answer. shoot. i really need these hours and im gonna miss. my. shift. it was then that i said a couple short, urgent, but sincere prayers asking if there could just be some way that i could make it to work, and to please just help me. . . . .. .  after waiting a few more minutes, i look out of my living room window and bada-bing-bada-boom. there is my dad and the trusty little saturn, a sight straight from my dreeeeammmms. i asked him why he was home so early....and this is the coolest part... he said he didn't really know why. he came home early...for no reason. he was in the middle of a meeting when he had the thought to leave early today. so he packed up everything and just left for home, mid meeting. no reasoning.
if that's not prayer working in my life, then i don't know what is.
i didn't tell my dad about the prayers i had said. i told him maybe the spirit was just urging him to come home. haha. but really though. :/
maybe heavenly father does hear me, afterall. maybe he knows exactly where i'm going. he hears me.
and i needed to know that.

so i'm really impressed if you made it through all of that. and also i apologize. it's 2 a.m on a school night, i worked the closing shift, and my brain is friiiiiied. nighty night bloggers.

Mar 11, 2012


*random photoshoot of the day

because i've had this blog for 8 months and i can count the number of pictures on here of my real life on one hand.

these are some of my favorites ever. not because of how these pictures look, but because of the memories of that time of life that go along with them.